Before I got married, whenever I heard my friends or colleagues expressing their wish to be 'free' of their children for some time, I would always scoff at that ludicrous idea. How can anyone shirk his/her responsibility as a parent? When I got married, my husband and I decided not to have children because I insisted on taking care of my own children, rather than passing them over to some care-giver, and my back problem. Fate decided to test my resolution on this issue, when, after 1 1/2 years , I found out that I was pregnant! I was a little sad as I was not ready to stay at home. I remember that I cried real hard. However, as the foetus in me grew bigger by the day, I grew to love it.Mummy and I had never enjoyed the close bond that some mothers and daughters do. I had always blamed her for sending me to a nanny (my aunt) when I was 40 days old. No matter how my relatives tried to explain my family's circumstances then, I could not accept the fact that my mother was so cruel as to send a 40 day old baby to another person and would only bring her back on weekends. It was preposterous!I had hurt mummy badly once when, during one of our many arguments, I blurted out, 'You have no right to tell me what to do. You'd never taken care of me when I was young.' For that, I earned myself a slap on my cheek. The impact was so great that my spectacles flew halfway down the kitchen. Dad had to step in to stop mummy from further causing any harm to me. His answer to my retort? A resigned, 'She's right. We did not take care of her when she was young.'At that time, I could not comprehend why my parents could bear to leave me with someone else. Weren't they proud of their daughter? Weren't they anxious to see her everyday? I promised then that, no matter what, if I wanted to have children, I would not be like my parents.The cold war between mummy and I went on for years, even decades. Even when we were home, we did not acknowledge each other. The only respite during the 'Cold War' era was when I went to Australia for my tertiary education. I did not inform her of my application to a foreign university. I told my dad and he, in turn, told mummy. Silently, the money came in to pay for my fees and allowances during the 2 years. Each time I called home, my sister would ask if I needed money, and miraculously, my bank account would be fattened by a few hundreds or thousands of dollars.The only time we got along well was when my backaches acted up in Australia and the doctors there asked me if I wanted to seek treatment there. I had called home that weekend, but somehow, mummy knew that something was wrong and she asked to speak to me. It was then that I broke down and told her that I was in great pain. The next day, my sister called to say that mummy was on her way to Down Under! I was shocked. The week that she was there was the best times in all those 20+ years. She made sure I had my meals and brewed lots of tonics to strengthen my back. Money for my physiotherapy sessions were also credited to me account regularly.Things did not turn better when I returned. It was back to the 'Cold War' era.. When I got married, mummy was the unassuming in-law. She did not want any dowry or demand a lot of tables for the reception because she said that all she wanted was for me to be happy. Happy I was, on my wedding day, that I did no cry or even shed a drop of tear on my wedding day. Herbal soups would appear on the table whenever I went back for dinner. Whenever my husband was overseas, mummy would stay over with me and cook lots of stuff for me. Did I say a word of thanks? No. She owed me that, I had always thought. I was always the 'outsider' in the family as she was especially close to my sister. Now, she had to pay back my lost decades. How selfish I was!When I gave birth, mummy was there to encourage me on the way to the hospital. She was there with my beloved aunt when I was out of surgery, with her herbal soups. During my confinement, she would visit me almost daily to make soups and dinner for me, even when I had a confinement lady with me. She did all these even when she was working full-time.Mummy never stopped working full-time, except for the few years after she gave birth to my sister. I had always thought that it was really unfair. Why did she not do that after giving birth to me?Mummy knew what I liked and would always remind the confinement lady about my dislike of fatty meats and oily soups. Weekends, she would do marketing for us. All these done, without any complaints.I had trouble adjusting to motherhood and was down with post-natal blues. I was easily irritable and it did not help that my daughter was a real cry baby. When the confinement lady left, mummy would come to my house to help me with the baby, but I would say nasty things to her. When it was suggested by some family members that I let someone take care of my daughter full-time, I was appalled! I showed my displeasure soundly. I would complain to mummy for hours and this would be done without me mincing my words. All this while, she listened and offered comforting words.After 1 week of taking care of my baby myself, I had no choice but to put her with a babysitter that someone had recommended to my mummy. I gave everyone hell for that decision made on my behalf. Mummy got the brunt of it. During the 1 week, my daughter fell sick and mummy rushed to my house with dad and sister in tow to bring my baby to the doctor's. It was close to midnight on a Sunday night, and she had to get up for work at 5 the next morning. All the while, there were no complaints, just prayers and soothing words.My daughter is 2 years old now. She stays with my babysitter during the week and we would bring her home on Fridays and some week nights, if my lessons for the next day are not packed. I do feel guilty leaving her there with my babysitter and I know that my nightly visits will not fill the gaps in her life. I get censured (either openly, or silently) whenever I tell someone of this arrangement. I do not blame them because I was once like them. I did not understand..Mummy is still working full-time and has turned my co-babysitter during the weekends. In fact, she has become my adviser concerning tonics for my daughter. We are really close now. We have a no-holds relationship where we can talk about anything under the sun. Yes, you can say that we are making up for lost time, but I prefer to think that we understand each other now, especially me. We still have our disagreements, but no more cold wars. Just some exchange of words and then it is laughter as we are able to 'agree to disagree'.Mummy was diagnosed with high blood pressure shortly after my confinement. I do feel guilty as I might have had been the 'contributing factor'. Early this year, we had a scare as there was a large growth in her womb. It was suspected to be cancerous. In the days leading to the operation, I turned 'mummy' to her - nagging at her to rest, to take her supplements. She is given the all-clear now. The growth was not cancerous. I am grateful for this chance to enjoy a close bond with my mother. Now, I can proudly tell my friends, 'My mother says this...'I hope my daughter would not grow up hating me for leaving her with a care-giver since young. She is very happy there and I am really grateful to my babysitter and her family for treating her like one of their own. I do not even mind when my daughter addresses my babysitter 'mama' as I still call my aunt 'ma'. Someone once told me that it is always good that someone else loves our children as much as we do because you never know, we may not be around the next minute. My daughter has two mothers and fathers. So does her mummy.I am not going to make up for the lost 3 decades with my mummy. I am going to enjoy the next few decades with her and my daughter. Many more decades, I mean.Shirlyn Mong-Toh
